I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
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the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted