I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
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I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
and now we wait
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
This makes total sense…
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Did I do this right
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*