“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
You Might Also Like
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?