I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
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Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Netflix and awkward silence?
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Hank is one in a melon.