HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
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[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE