I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
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Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?