DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
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okay run it by me one more time
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
WHY?!
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
This story is comedy gold 😂
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Has there ever been a more American story?
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff