We like the way Dwight thinks
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Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Does it…does it take 3 days
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit