It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
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Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner