Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
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Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
j o i m p
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
How I like cutting carbs
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.