Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
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I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*