People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
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It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
CUTE CAT‼︎
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.