Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
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4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
😂💯
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.