What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
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PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark