INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
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Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question