Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
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Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Found my door mat
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF