My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
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I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.