What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
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A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows