The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
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[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton