I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
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right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*