12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
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Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.