[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
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2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.