foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
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Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I bet birds love this building.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
My life coach traded me.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how