Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
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My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.