sin harder.
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them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Meow?
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.