I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
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My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.