My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
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Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”