Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
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[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Happy Thanksgiving
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
how it started vs how it ended
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another