I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
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if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on