馃槀馃槀
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Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
The Struggle
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk鈥檇.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I鈥檓 not paying you
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Biden: I wonder if I鈥檒l still get free ice cream when I鈥檓 no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Golf would be better with landmines.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Hey kid.. don鈥檛 let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can鈥檛 run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren鈥檛 for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I’m putting together a team
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see