ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
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*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?