me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
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Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Am I having a stroke?
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
When the stylist spins you back around
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up