Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
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Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this