If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
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Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳