*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
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The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
crazy
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.