CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
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OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]