How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
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Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
looks legit
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
A classic…
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.