Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
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The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.