Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
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Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer