last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
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I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
house sitting!
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.