If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
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[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Free him
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.