[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
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For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly