Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
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Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Do not steal food from the science building!
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”