Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
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To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Name this drama.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix