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Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Kermit goes Blue.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003