whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
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Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*