judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
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Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
those birds must be on payroll
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*