the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
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All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.