[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
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You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry