ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
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Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad